Snarky meets Sarcasm
Snark-asm
Why this can hurt your relationship
You are out at dinner talking about your new project and your friend makes this comment: “must be nice to have all that free time to play.”
Wham. What just happened? You were having a nice dinner, some good conversation, and sharing a little about what you are up to when out of nowhere you sense a change in the air like a storm brewing on the horizon.
You walked smack into something, but what was it?
We all know about sarcasm. And you’re probably familiar with the term snarky. For me the dinner experience was somewhere between the two in what I will call “snark-asm.” Snarky is different from sarcasm in that it is an adjective that describes a person who is being cranky. Sarcasm, a close first cousin, is a sharp, bitter or cutting expression or remark that is meant to taunt or gibe. I think of snarky as a way someone is being while sarcasm is what they are saying.
When my friend made her comment my reaction was to stop talking. In other words, it was a conversation stopper. And then I started to process, silently, what just happened. Did I say something in a way that offended her? Or was I over-reacting to a casual comment, one that maybe was intended to be funny. But you know it when you hear it. You know the difference between something meant to be humorous and something that is intended to bite.
But why bite?
Snark-asm is uncomfortable, for both parties. And it has a sticky kind of quality to it, one that you cannot just rinse off your hands easily. There are three main reasons we engage in this kind of language.
1) Insecurity — when I hear a snark-asm kind of remark I try to figure out what is making the person uncomfortable. Is this person just avoiding real conversation because they are afraid to talk about what they want or need?
2) Latent Anger — using snark-asm can also be passive aggressive or a way to assert dominance. If the person is angry or upset, but afraid to bring up the real issue and talk openly about what is bothering them, they may use snark-asm as a jab at you instead. This is a form of being on the offensive rather than the defensive.
3) Social Awkwardness — sometimes the person is not good with others in conversation or has trouble reading a room. They may use snark-asm and hope it comes across as connecting with you in a playful way. Unfortunately, snark-asm, as in my example above, tends to have the opposite effect as the recipient of the drive-by comment tends to think of it as annoying in the least, and destructive at the most.
How can you address “Snark-asm” in a productive way?
This can be tough to do and my answer is it depends on the situation. If you are with a group of people and you get hit with snark-asm, you may not want to stop and ask the person what is wrong with them in front of everyone. That kind of move, while making for a great scene in a movie, will not likely lead to a vulnerable conversation where you will both feel more connected to one another.
Between stimulus and response there is a space.
Since we cannot control others, let’s face it we can barely control ourselves, we should focus on our own response in these situations. There is that small pause, miniscule sometimes, between when something is said and how we choose to react to it. That is where we find our power, and grace. That space, no matter how small, is where we get to decide what will come next. We can go for the Hollywood movie moment and lash back with some snark-asm of our own by saying something like, “well, some of us have worked hard to get to the place where we can now have freedom, we’ve earned it.” Ouch. That will not likely cause a warm, fuzzy feeling between us. It’s almost guaranteed to make our awkward dinner even a bit more strained.
And while you are taking that pause, that breath, remember this. You too have engaged in snark-asm and for the very reasons the person in front of you has just done so. Take a breath, let the comment flow right on through, and practice grace. Let them off the hook. And next time you are the one using “snark-asm” let yourself off the hook when the remorse sets in. Grace works for you too.
