When Love (for resolutions) fades…

You need some Goal Scaffolding

Ever wonder where all those GREAT intentions go after say, about January 30th of every year? You get up on New Year’s day, or, maybe the next day after the holiday cheer has settled and you are deeply committed to a goal, to a change that will transform your life. THIS IS IT! You exclaim as you fist bump the air. And you mean it. You are going to get that 20# off for good, or find a job that fits you better, start dating again, or clean out all your closets so you don’t feel so overwhelmed. And you write your goal down, and you look at it, all sparkly and new and you think….this is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen!

And you jump in. Maybe you finally fill out that dating website information and actually post a photo of yourself. Or you buy the Mediterranean Diet cookbook (I hear it’s a real best seller this year) and you commit to a diet filled with vegetables and olive oil, tahini paste and Greek yogurt. You are going along for about a week, maybe 10 days, and then realize that “zing” you had on January 1 has gone. Where did it go? What happened to all that resolution you felt so strongly? How can your love for change fade so fast?

Here’s what is happening with you. You did actually experience a moment or two of extreme interest and happiness at the thought of changing some aspect of your life. It was real. Just like the first time you thought you were in love in junior high. But just like your junior high self, that kind of excitement is more like bubble gum than denture cream. You need something that is going to stick. In the moment excitement is fantastic, and we all love that feeling. But when feelings fade, and we all know they do, you got to have some scaffolding under that new dream.

You need Goal Scaffolding.

I love to watch HGTV. Love all the remodels and makeovers. If the “bones” are good, then you can work with it. So, let’s assume our “bones” are good here, and what we need is a good makeover. What’s the first thing these shows do?

Well, often they remove something. They take away that 1970’s avocado green counter in the bathroom, or rip up that dark brown shag carpet. They take out elements that just won’t work anymore. So, in our case, removing something is deciding what in our environment, or our thinking, or ways of acting, or talking do we want to get rid of? Maybe you have a critical voice that is constantly reminding you that you just have “big bones” and are meant to be the size you are. Ok, is that helpful? When deciding what to keep or get rid of, the primary question to ask is: “Is this [insert object, thought, action] helpful to me?” If you answer yes, then keep it. If no, consider putting it in one of those giant construction bins to be hauled away.

After the removal process, there is some kind of scaffolding that goes up so that the work can proceed in an organized, safe, and skilled fashion. This is where most of us fall down. We don’t build the structure, or the scaffolding to support our goal. We just assume that energy and excitement will be enough. But, willpower is not sustainable. Willpower diminishes in times of stress, overload, fatigue, and unexpected challenges. Most of us when setting new year’s resolutions think that our willpower and excitement will be enough. The error in our thinking is that this is enough. It’s never enough. You need to develop HABITS, not your willpower. And HABITS are the scaffolding for your goals.

How do you build a HABIT? Here’s the scaffolding you need.

1. Start with being clear about what you want. Do you want to lose 20# or are you really wanting to get into those jeans you haven’t worn since the last time you lost weight? Or, is your goal to be able to comfortably hike with your friends, or family on the trip you have planned? Get real about what you really want. That foundation will create a connection to PURPOSE. We are all more likely to keep a habit if the motivation is PURPOSE, not passion. Remember, passion fades. But a Purpose is like a North Star. It is there, reminding us of something we want that is meaningful and significant.
2. Start small. As a coach, I see a lot of people jump in too fast and want to “get over the hard part” as soon as possible. I’ve had clients say, “can’t I just lose the 20# in the first two weeks, get that behind me, so I can then focus on being more healthy?” There are literally hundreds of products on the market today that promise you can lose 20# in a very short amount of time. Last year, all my pop up ads were promoting some pill you take that can melt the fat off. One claimed you could lose 50# in a week. Ok, we both know that is not biologically possible, unless you get into a terrible accident and lose a limb. Please don’t do that. Remember that line from When Harry Met Sally, when he finally realized he was in love with Sally, and he crashes the New Year’s Eve party to see her. She is annoyed upon seeing him and asks, “Harry, why are you here?” And he says, “when you finally realize what you want for the rest of your life, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible!” It’s a great scene. I always think of that brilliant line when I set out to do something new I am passionate about. I want it to start right now. And we can start right now, we just can’t have the “ending” in the moment we begin.
3. Measure Twice and Cut Once. Ok, I may be taking the construction metaphor a bit too far, but this is a pretty good one. My grandfather used to admonish us grandkids to always measure twice, so you only had to cut once. This is a way of saying, be more intentional with your actions. Stop and consider what you are doing, how you are doing it, what impact it has on you and others. This is the step of INTENTION. And how do you build intention? You pause, you delay the action, you create a space between THINKING and ACTION. Between stimulus and response, there is a space. Widen your space and this will help you to slow down long enough to catch yourself in action. And then you can engage your thinking brain in a question, “Is what I am about to do, going to be helpful to me?” Without this pause, you stay on autopilot. And with autopilot you get what you have trained yourself to have while in this non-reflective mode. It’s not bad or wrong, in fact we need autopilot for many things. But it can get in the way of us changing behaviors that we’ve learned over time, and through a lot of practice.
4. Keep a Construction Schedule. Write down your goals, build a progress plan, note the steps you are taking to reach your goals. Any remodel project has a construction schedule, with timelines, and a budget. What are you planning to do first? Maybe the first, small, step on your change journey is to just sit down and write a plan for yourself. Then build a schedule of activity, along with any “budget” elements you need. Money may not be the currency you need. You may need time as your budget, or someone else’s time and support. Maybe you need some kind of tool to help you reach your goal, or some training, new knowledge, or insights. The good news is there is so much support waiting in the wings. And with everything going online in the last two years, if you have a need, you can find support easily, quickly, and often pretty cheaply. There may even be an App for that.
5. Move Forward. If you are still working with the goal of losing 20# how about instead of getting the weight off in two weeks, you instead give yourself six months? There is a tendency to want to rush our goals. But wouldn’t you be just as happy in six months at this new weight goal? You might even be happier if you took six months to achieve it, because you probably had more fun along the way, instead of torturing yourself through heavy restrictions. Moving forward is just that…keep moving. The pace may be slow, but slow and intentional can win the day.

Who says change has to be about suffering? Too often we equate achieving our goals with sacrifice. Sure, you may have to get off autopilot and think about what you are doing. But suffering is optional. Remember, scaffold your way to your goals. And don’t forget to make it fun. Next time, let’s talk about how to handle breakdowns…because they happen on HGTV shows, and they certainly will happen to us.